Paul's 2nd Literally Epistle to the Masses

Good morning and Welcome.

Welcome back to the 2nd of Paul's Literally Epistles. Plenty going on, and a radio appearance coming up tomorrow night, and some more assistance with a couple of literallies.....

The Back Story:
My plan, as you are probably already aware, is to help save the word *Literally*, by truly DOING THINGS literally.>From going to Hell and back, to teaching an old dog new tricks; from jumping on the bandwagon to cleaning up at the Oscars, and many others as outlined on my website. When it’s all done, we'll celebrate by painting the town red. (Literally, of course). It all started a couple of years ago, when I literally cycled from A to B for charity (it's a long story, check out the website) and people didn't understand that if I was literally travelling from A to B that it meant going from 'A' to 'B'.My (over-)reaction to the misuse and overuse of the word “Literally” appeals that people to use it wisely, before it loses all meaning. The world is not "literally your oyster" and Thierry Henry wasn't "literally throwing the toys out of his pram", and no, unless you were undertaking something very very unorthodox last night you were not "literally rat-arsed".This newsletter serves to update folks on my surreal mission, to educate the world on the great importance of using the word literally properly - and probably the odd appeal (very odd appeal most likely) for a little help with my oh-so-important work.

Mission 4: Accomplished - Biting off more than I can chew, literally

Last Wednesday morning, I ventured North to Kings Cross for the Premier Travel Inn's All You Can Eat Breakfast Eating Championship.I think I was prepared, I had done my research on the top athletes in the IFOCE (the International Federation of Competitive Eating, as if you didn't know) and had received excellent advice from Ryan Nerz, a compere at the IFOCE, and Crazy Legs Conti - the world's 11th top-ranked competitive eater, the world record holder for buffet food (5.5lbs in 12 minutes) and the subject of the documentary "Crazy Legs Conti: Zen and the art of Competitive Eating”After being introduced by Stuart Hall, I took my place at the table, wearing our attractive sponsor-adorned eater’s bib, next to Baby-Face Burns of Wolverhampton – veteran of the Nathan’s Hotdog 4th of July Extravaganza, and the holder of the dubious record of fastest to peel and eat a lemon (it is not clear how many people have actually tried this that he has been faster than).I led from the start, schooled in the ways of the speed eat - croissant dunking and manual tearing of bacon and sausages - leaving fellow eaters figuratively in my wake. I had the lead with 2 plates at the 5 minute mark, attacking the third plate as the first competitor reached for the bucket. Fortunately no Stand-By-Me-style “barforama” ensued. However the cold egg was killing me, a food item I have been troubled by ever since birth. (Who actually eats cold eggs?) Suffering two near “reversals of fortune” I needed a coffee. Having been promised orange juice and coffee (and trained using them) I summoned Stuart Hall, and demanded a cappucino. He shouted for someone to get me one. “With Chocolate Sprinkles” I added. He relented graciously.The coffee arrived courtesy of a Premier Travel Inn waitress who asked if I wanted sugar in it – I replied with “No thanks, I’m on a diet”. She looked very confused.After 12 minutes and 45 seconds, we literally bit off more than we could chew - ramming all the food we could into our faces before the final klaxon, and then given 30 seconds of chewing time to get it down. It was very very tough - the breakfasts cold by this stage. The final standings were 1st place and £500: Lup Yau, 2nd place: Paul Parry, 3rd place to Henshall. It wasn’t even a podium finish for Baby-Face Burns, the only person to have traveled for the event, and who inexplicably kept calling me Andy.The whole gustatory greatness was captured on film by Ariella – so it should be appearing on youtube or google video in the very near future. Though viewer caution is advised – I believe it contains the “reversal of fortune” or “roman incident” of “Lord Scoff-a-lot” after a couple of minutes.Beautiful.I'm also being hung out to dry (figuratively) talking about Competitive Eating on TalkSport radio on Sunday night - at 10:30pm - so do listen in on 1089 or 1053AM, but probably not if you're still eating your dinner.

HELP ME:

1) Does anyone own a campavan? I am going to literally live life in the Fast Lane for a weekend - and I don't fancy doing it in the back of a 1984 Volkswagen Golf for 48 hours.
2) Would you like to come up for a nightcap, literally? A friend has most kindly knitted me a nightcap. So, ladies, would you like to come up for a nightcap?
3) What would you say a typical Dutch stereotype would be? I'm literally going Dutch soon - and wouldn't want to miss out on anything......
4) Does your Aunty Dave run a brewery? I am continuing to fail regularly in literally organising a pi$$-up in a brewery, and though I fail quite heroically, I would love to actually succeed one day.

Misuse of the week:
An eye witness from the buildling collapse near Scotland Yard (sadly in Hazel "the ginger dwarf" Blears's offices):"I heard a mighty explosion and about two floors and the roof of a building to my left hand side was literally showering down in front of me. So I literally threw myself, literally jumped up and threw myself, to the right hand side of the road not knowing whether I was going to be hit. What I did see which was quite shocking was a huge boulder went right through his vehicle, literally where he had been 15 seconds previously."I might start a study on stress and the misuse of the word literally. I'm sure they're related - 4 literallies in 81 words must be a record for one adverb, let alone my precious "literally".

Coming Soon:
During the next two weeks I'll literally be living the life of Riley (one Sophia Riley is generously lending me her life, including her boyfriend Mark for a few days), living life in the Fast Lane, and having a cavalier attitude. Beautiful.Painting the town red plans are underway - and I hope to get that done in Summer 2008 somewhere in the wonderful state of Nebraska.Taking the Bull by the Horns will happen in October or November, somewhere in a field in Colorado.And just to assure my fiancee - I will not be attempting to go literally overboard on our honeymoon cruise around the Mediterranean.

This week's DIY Literally:
1) Stalk Jonny Wilkinson.
2) Light a candle, and run towards him with lit candle asking to hold it to him.
3) Get bundled to the floor by security/the rest of the England team.
4) Realise that you can't hold a candle to Jonny Wilkinson (literally or figuratively.)

Suggestions?
If you do think of any other literally suggestions, please do drop me an email! Either things for me to take literally, or misuses of the word Literally! Many thanks.

Knock yourself out (figuratively),

Paul Parry
Admiral of the Nebraska Navy
Chief of Police of Bee, Nebraska
parryphernalia@btinternet.com
http://www.literally.tv/
Facebook Group: "Literally taking the Bull by the Horns"