Losing our Marbles....

The World Marble Championships - The Greyhound Pub Arena, Crawley. April 7th 2007.
Team Name: Miss Marble Investigates

After a strong game in round 1 we were knocked out by the super-experienced and previous champions: the Handcross 49ers. They were properly good – they even had a team hat and badge. Squad (in marble play order): James Thorley, Graham (a random Australian ringer – and the Statesman of the MMI team), Paul (capt.), Chirag (most hungover player), Steph (token woman) Ben (press liaison).Game 1: Round 1: Miss Marble Investigates vs The Last Minuters, Ring Two.Having been promised a bye into round 2 against the seeded Handcross 49ers, we were surprised to be told of a late entry to play us in round 1. Disappointed we trudged from the main ring with upwards of 200 spectators, to the second marble ring near the flooding outflow of the pub toilets, and decidedly less fragrant that the main ring. Though we were disappointed to be in an area that brought back memories of the chemical toilets in a unpleasant Belgian cub camp in 1987, I was optimistic we would win from the moment I went eyeball to eyeball with the captain of the opposition for the marble-drop. The Last Minuters were a team of 4 young kids with 2 ringers who had previously played in “The Jolly Oddballs”. The opposition captain was about 12 and up to my navel. I psyched her out brilliantly. Her Mum told me off, but it was worth it. I knew we had the edge. I’m not sure if it was tactical, but our first game began with about 6 straight misses of the centre marbles. Then something miraculous happened. We took them to pieces. We knocked 3 of their players out of the tournament – which meant they got half as many goes as us – and little chance of winning. The heat of the competition got to James slightly, after knocking a small ginger kid’s marble out of the ring, knocking him out of the game and whole tournament, he gestured at him in a “get out of here”-type manner attracting more ire from the assembled parents. Yes, we got some boos. Consistent strikes from myself, Graham and James, put some points on the board for MMI, and had us safely in the lead before the miracle happened. Ben, a man with a degree of malcoordination that would leave you surprised he could dress himself, a man who knows nothing of sport. He approached the ring after a string of misses, and smacked 4 marbles off. Not one, but 4. Off the 6 foot ring. The crowd went wild. Both of them. As it says in today’s Guardian: “Miss Marble Investigates take out the Last Minuters, most of whom are children, 8-3 in a game of startling incompetence.” Summed up perfectly.Game 2:Round 2: Miss Marble Investigates vs Handcross 49ers, Ring One: “The Centre Court” of the World Marbles Championship. We had probably already come further than our marble-playing abilities were meant to come. The 49ers had appeared in the tournament for at least the previous six years, and even brought their own marbles, something we considered cheating having hurriedly bought our game marbles from a small stall in the car park minutes before the game. At least they hadn’t brought their own team shell-suits like the Germans, so we could have a chance. We even briefly discussed who would play our parts in the Disney “Cool Runnings”-like movie of our story – the team who dared to dream, taking on the champions and winning, winning back the trophy for England. But no. The 49ers were beaten finalists in 2005 and 2006, after an impressive string of wins and weren’t about to lose to a bunch of hungover chancers, who by the time Round 2 came about, had consumed a good 5 or so pints each. Watched by about two hundred, we were taken apart. Stuffed. TWO HUNDRED PEOPLE. That’s probably the biggest crowd I’ve ever played “sport” in front of. Amazing. .
Sadly we could put up little struggle in the 25-2 drubbing. But at the end of the day, we had literally lost our marbles, and that was the whole point of the expedition. More tales of beards, shellsuits, and Dodgeball-like sporting endeavor to follow shortly, and a whole chapter to come, for the mighty Literally book. And genuine hot action Matchplay shots on Youtube – in due course.