Paul's 2nd Literally Epistle to the Masses

Good morning and Welcome.

Welcome back to the 2nd of Paul's Literally Epistles. Plenty going on, and a radio appearance coming up tomorrow night, and some more assistance with a couple of literallies.....

The Back Story:
My plan, as you are probably already aware, is to help save the word *Literally*, by truly DOING THINGS literally.>From going to Hell and back, to teaching an old dog new tricks; from jumping on the bandwagon to cleaning up at the Oscars, and many others as outlined on my website. When it’s all done, we'll celebrate by painting the town red. (Literally, of course). It all started a couple of years ago, when I literally cycled from A to B for charity (it's a long story, check out the website) and people didn't understand that if I was literally travelling from A to B that it meant going from 'A' to 'B'.My (over-)reaction to the misuse and overuse of the word “Literally” appeals that people to use it wisely, before it loses all meaning. The world is not "literally your oyster" and Thierry Henry wasn't "literally throwing the toys out of his pram", and no, unless you were undertaking something very very unorthodox last night you were not "literally rat-arsed".This newsletter serves to update folks on my surreal mission, to educate the world on the great importance of using the word literally properly - and probably the odd appeal (very odd appeal most likely) for a little help with my oh-so-important work.

Mission 4: Accomplished - Biting off more than I can chew, literally

Last Wednesday morning, I ventured North to Kings Cross for the Premier Travel Inn's All You Can Eat Breakfast Eating Championship.I think I was prepared, I had done my research on the top athletes in the IFOCE (the International Federation of Competitive Eating, as if you didn't know) and had received excellent advice from Ryan Nerz, a compere at the IFOCE, and Crazy Legs Conti - the world's 11th top-ranked competitive eater, the world record holder for buffet food (5.5lbs in 12 minutes) and the subject of the documentary "Crazy Legs Conti: Zen and the art of Competitive Eating”After being introduced by Stuart Hall, I took my place at the table, wearing our attractive sponsor-adorned eater’s bib, next to Baby-Face Burns of Wolverhampton – veteran of the Nathan’s Hotdog 4th of July Extravaganza, and the holder of the dubious record of fastest to peel and eat a lemon (it is not clear how many people have actually tried this that he has been faster than).I led from the start, schooled in the ways of the speed eat - croissant dunking and manual tearing of bacon and sausages - leaving fellow eaters figuratively in my wake. I had the lead with 2 plates at the 5 minute mark, attacking the third plate as the first competitor reached for the bucket. Fortunately no Stand-By-Me-style “barforama” ensued. However the cold egg was killing me, a food item I have been troubled by ever since birth. (Who actually eats cold eggs?) Suffering two near “reversals of fortune” I needed a coffee. Having been promised orange juice and coffee (and trained using them) I summoned Stuart Hall, and demanded a cappucino. He shouted for someone to get me one. “With Chocolate Sprinkles” I added. He relented graciously.The coffee arrived courtesy of a Premier Travel Inn waitress who asked if I wanted sugar in it – I replied with “No thanks, I’m on a diet”. She looked very confused.After 12 minutes and 45 seconds, we literally bit off more than we could chew - ramming all the food we could into our faces before the final klaxon, and then given 30 seconds of chewing time to get it down. It was very very tough - the breakfasts cold by this stage. The final standings were 1st place and £500: Lup Yau, 2nd place: Paul Parry, 3rd place to Henshall. It wasn’t even a podium finish for Baby-Face Burns, the only person to have traveled for the event, and who inexplicably kept calling me Andy.The whole gustatory greatness was captured on film by Ariella – so it should be appearing on youtube or google video in the very near future. Though viewer caution is advised – I believe it contains the “reversal of fortune” or “roman incident” of “Lord Scoff-a-lot” after a couple of minutes.Beautiful.I'm also being hung out to dry (figuratively) talking about Competitive Eating on TalkSport radio on Sunday night - at 10:30pm - so do listen in on 1089 or 1053AM, but probably not if you're still eating your dinner.

HELP ME:

1) Does anyone own a campavan? I am going to literally live life in the Fast Lane for a weekend - and I don't fancy doing it in the back of a 1984 Volkswagen Golf for 48 hours.
2) Would you like to come up for a nightcap, literally? A friend has most kindly knitted me a nightcap. So, ladies, would you like to come up for a nightcap?
3) What would you say a typical Dutch stereotype would be? I'm literally going Dutch soon - and wouldn't want to miss out on anything......
4) Does your Aunty Dave run a brewery? I am continuing to fail regularly in literally organising a pi$$-up in a brewery, and though I fail quite heroically, I would love to actually succeed one day.

Misuse of the week:
An eye witness from the buildling collapse near Scotland Yard (sadly in Hazel "the ginger dwarf" Blears's offices):"I heard a mighty explosion and about two floors and the roof of a building to my left hand side was literally showering down in front of me. So I literally threw myself, literally jumped up and threw myself, to the right hand side of the road not knowing whether I was going to be hit. What I did see which was quite shocking was a huge boulder went right through his vehicle, literally where he had been 15 seconds previously."I might start a study on stress and the misuse of the word literally. I'm sure they're related - 4 literallies in 81 words must be a record for one adverb, let alone my precious "literally".

Coming Soon:
During the next two weeks I'll literally be living the life of Riley (one Sophia Riley is generously lending me her life, including her boyfriend Mark for a few days), living life in the Fast Lane, and having a cavalier attitude. Beautiful.Painting the town red plans are underway - and I hope to get that done in Summer 2008 somewhere in the wonderful state of Nebraska.Taking the Bull by the Horns will happen in October or November, somewhere in a field in Colorado.And just to assure my fiancee - I will not be attempting to go literally overboard on our honeymoon cruise around the Mediterranean.

This week's DIY Literally:
1) Stalk Jonny Wilkinson.
2) Light a candle, and run towards him with lit candle asking to hold it to him.
3) Get bundled to the floor by security/the rest of the England team.
4) Realise that you can't hold a candle to Jonny Wilkinson (literally or figuratively.)

Suggestions?
If you do think of any other literally suggestions, please do drop me an email! Either things for me to take literally, or misuses of the word Literally! Many thanks.

Knock yourself out (figuratively),

Paul Parry
Admiral of the Nebraska Navy
Chief of Police of Bee, Nebraska
parryphernalia@btinternet.com
http://www.literally.tv/
Facebook Group: "Literally taking the Bull by the Horns"

The First Epistle of Literally

Read this. It's slightly funny. in parts:

Good morning and Welcome.

Welcome indeed to the first of my epistles on my Literally Project - my reaction to the misuse and overuse of the word “Literally”, and appeal to use it wisely before it loses all meaning. You are never “literally laughing your head off” and how ever good Didier Drogba is playing, he is never “literally on fire today”.My plan, as you are probably already aware, is to help save the word *Literally*, by truly DOING THINGS literally. From going to Hell and back, to teaching an old dog new tricks; from jumping on the bandwagon to cleaning up at the bookies, and many others as outlined on my website. When it’s all done, we'll celebrate by painting the town red. Literally.It all started a couple of years ago, when I literally cycled from A to B for charity (it's a long story, check out the website) and people didn't understand that if I was literally travelling from A to B that it meant going from 'A' to 'B'. This newsletter serves to update folks on my surreal mission, to educate the world on the great importance of using the word literally properly - and probably the odd appeal (very odd appeal most likely) for a little help with my oh-so-important work.

HELP ME:
[Not psychiatric help for me personally, but a few things I need a little assistance with.]
1) Does anyone know anyone who works for a paint company? I'm hoping to get a tanker full of red paint for free, so I can paint a town red. So, anyone's cousin work for Crown Paint or Dulux?2) Does your Uncle Norman run a brewery? I keep failing to literally organise a pi$$-up in a brewery, and though I fail quite heroically, I would love to actually succeed one day.
3) Do you surf - and fancy coming out with me to Ireland to literally go into $hit Creek without a paddle? I have no idea, and want some help, ideally from Lifeguards - as I may drown.

Misuse of the week:
"Thierry Henry has quite literally thrown the toys out of his pram." Matt Lawton, Sky TV. er...... No, Matt. He didn't.

Mission 2: Losing my marbles literally - Mission Accomplished
The World Marble Championships - The Greyhound Pub Arena, Crawley. April 7th 2007. Our team name, embarrassingly: Miss Marble Investigates. After a strong game in round 1 (beating small children, prompting a telling-off from an angry Mum) we were knocked out by the super-experienced and previous champions: the Handcross 49ers. They were properly good – they even had a team hat and badge. And if you don't believe this ridiculous thing actually happened - real documentary evidence: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2220344981504867669.
Also, the full report is on www.literally.tvOr alternatively on the blog of James (one of the intrepid six of "Miss Marble Investigates"): http://goldfishsyndrome.typepad.com/
Or the suspicious looking man from the Guardian in a dodgy black polo-neck here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,,2051976,00.html

Suggestions?
Please do help me in my campaign, report any misuse you hear of the word Literally, or suggest a phrase for me to take literally!

Coming Soon:
During the next two weeks I'll be super-busy teaching an old dog new tricks (Poppy the 13 year old dalmation who belongs to a BBC weatherman) and living the life of Riley. I'm also working on a plan to hop over to the USA to literally bite off more than I can chew - at the world HotDog eating championships, before literally taking a bull by the horns at a Rodeo in Colorado, and then Literally painting the town Red once I can recruit a town. Magic.

This week's DIY Literally:
1) Go to the butcher/supermarket/meatwagon/pig.
2) Get bacon.
3) Bring home the bacon, literally.

Knock yourself out (figuratively),

Paul
Parryparryphernalia@btinternet.com
http://www.literally.tv/
Facebook Group: "Literally taking the Bull by the Horns"

IMPORTANTE:This e-mail is sent to a mailing list of people I have bullied into subscribing - do not blame me that you received this email because you did sign up for it. I am not manually sending my emails to the Western World, not only because of the laws of data protection/spam, but because I am very lazy indeed. If you do want to unsubscribe, then please do. If you get this forwarded to you by your friend Jeff who insists on forwarding everything - then blame Jeff, not me, and do please literally send him to Coventry. However, if Alan sends this to you, and you find this sort of frippery interesting, do please sign up at googlegroups (details below) to make sure you receive this email, as Alan is rather an unreliable sort, isn't he?If you would like to - please do forward this on to your friends. Especially if they work for a brewery.

Losing our Marbles....

The World Marble Championships - The Greyhound Pub Arena, Crawley. April 7th 2007.
Team Name: Miss Marble Investigates

After a strong game in round 1 we were knocked out by the super-experienced and previous champions: the Handcross 49ers. They were properly good – they even had a team hat and badge. Squad (in marble play order): James Thorley, Graham (a random Australian ringer – and the Statesman of the MMI team), Paul (capt.), Chirag (most hungover player), Steph (token woman) Ben (press liaison).Game 1: Round 1: Miss Marble Investigates vs The Last Minuters, Ring Two.Having been promised a bye into round 2 against the seeded Handcross 49ers, we were surprised to be told of a late entry to play us in round 1. Disappointed we trudged from the main ring with upwards of 200 spectators, to the second marble ring near the flooding outflow of the pub toilets, and decidedly less fragrant that the main ring. Though we were disappointed to be in an area that brought back memories of the chemical toilets in a unpleasant Belgian cub camp in 1987, I was optimistic we would win from the moment I went eyeball to eyeball with the captain of the opposition for the marble-drop. The Last Minuters were a team of 4 young kids with 2 ringers who had previously played in “The Jolly Oddballs”. The opposition captain was about 12 and up to my navel. I psyched her out brilliantly. Her Mum told me off, but it was worth it. I knew we had the edge. I’m not sure if it was tactical, but our first game began with about 6 straight misses of the centre marbles. Then something miraculous happened. We took them to pieces. We knocked 3 of their players out of the tournament – which meant they got half as many goes as us – and little chance of winning. The heat of the competition got to James slightly, after knocking a small ginger kid’s marble out of the ring, knocking him out of the game and whole tournament, he gestured at him in a “get out of here”-type manner attracting more ire from the assembled parents. Yes, we got some boos. Consistent strikes from myself, Graham and James, put some points on the board for MMI, and had us safely in the lead before the miracle happened. Ben, a man with a degree of malcoordination that would leave you surprised he could dress himself, a man who knows nothing of sport. He approached the ring after a string of misses, and smacked 4 marbles off. Not one, but 4. Off the 6 foot ring. The crowd went wild. Both of them. As it says in today’s Guardian: “Miss Marble Investigates take out the Last Minuters, most of whom are children, 8-3 in a game of startling incompetence.” Summed up perfectly.Game 2:Round 2: Miss Marble Investigates vs Handcross 49ers, Ring One: “The Centre Court” of the World Marbles Championship. We had probably already come further than our marble-playing abilities were meant to come. The 49ers had appeared in the tournament for at least the previous six years, and even brought their own marbles, something we considered cheating having hurriedly bought our game marbles from a small stall in the car park minutes before the game. At least they hadn’t brought their own team shell-suits like the Germans, so we could have a chance. We even briefly discussed who would play our parts in the Disney “Cool Runnings”-like movie of our story – the team who dared to dream, taking on the champions and winning, winning back the trophy for England. But no. The 49ers were beaten finalists in 2005 and 2006, after an impressive string of wins and weren’t about to lose to a bunch of hungover chancers, who by the time Round 2 came about, had consumed a good 5 or so pints each. Watched by about two hundred, we were taken apart. Stuffed. TWO HUNDRED PEOPLE. That’s probably the biggest crowd I’ve ever played “sport” in front of. Amazing. .
Sadly we could put up little struggle in the 25-2 drubbing. But at the end of the day, we had literally lost our marbles, and that was the whole point of the expedition. More tales of beards, shellsuits, and Dodgeball-like sporting endeavor to follow shortly, and a whole chapter to come, for the mighty Literally book. And genuine hot action Matchplay shots on Youtube – in due course.